Battle Scars and Broken Hearts

I was out here broken. And the funny thing is, I can’t even write anything. I have abandoned this home for a few months, the readers visit more often than the writer for I can’t even look at a blank space created from this season. No, let me rephrase that—I can’t even stare at this abstract paper of emotions, of thoughts with mixture of anxieties and fear and anger and loneliness. I am sober and trying to keep things together but I’m losing it. The pain goes on and on and on and I seem to enjoy it each time, knowing that soon enough I’ll be numb.

That was what’s going on in my head while trying to pull thoughts through for this year-ender. I haven’t written much in the past few months—I did, somehow. Some poetry for a certain person and that’s it. Nevertheless, I had the most emotionally draining year thus far. I’ve been out to the wilderness and enjoyed the ups and downs (mostly downs) of being in this kind of season. I had some regrets but at the end of the day, it was my choice and I have no one to blame. I learned how to love and endure, love and be hurt, love and be left with a broken heart. I think throughout this season, I have loved enough that I took risks, I gamble with my fate sacrificing my faith which is not supposed to happen—but it did, unfortunately. And I think that was the biggest mistake of what I’ve gone through. But I believe that I learned a lot and no matter what, I can still go back. That’s how it works, you cannot go too far that God can’t redeem you. I know I don’t deserve this, but that’s grace—His grace.

This year has been a year full of chances, giving out chances and asking for one. For no reason that was the easiest thing for me to do, to forgive and give chances. But the catch is that no matter how forgiving you are, there would still be people who would take you for granted. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s me or because they simply enjoy hurting people because they are also hurting inside. One thing’s for sure—no matter how I’ve been hurt this season, I still have the heart to forgive and give chances. Who am I not to? I’ve been forgiven a hundred times before and even if I fail, He understands and still forgives. I was hurt and hurting, but can you imagine the pain being felt by God whenever people sin and take Jesus’ sacrifices on the cross for granted? I can barely imagine the pain and still, He’s always there, waiting for us to come home—and this is the biggest realization I had—that only He is faithful and only He would love us unconditionally. I knew that before, but I felt it tremendously this year. And I am truly grateful.

I’ll be wrapping up my year with a lighter and stronger heart. Sounds cliché but I do believe that things happen for a reason. For now, I am looking forward to a new season—a season of reconnection, celebration and courage. Cheers to new adventures!


An Open Letter to the Man I Loved


I never imagined how we’d ended up this way–with so much bitterness and angst with each other. My mind is clouded with so much hatred, but my heart is still beating your name. I apologize for being so insensitive, for not giving you a chance–for not giving us another chance–and for saying things I don’t mean. At first, I wanna get even, I want to hurt you so bad, but I never knew that hurting you would hurt me all the more. I want you to beg, I want you to say things I longed to hear, but every time you tried to reach out, the pain kills me. That night when you broke up with me flashes back and it feels like I am being stabbed over and over.

You always tell me that I have been unfair for not fighting for this yet how can I fight if the man I want to go back to is still the same? How would I know if you are worth the fight if all I can see is the old you, opening up to other people with the things you don’t say to me, letting other people meddle in our relationship, still can’t stop or even tone down those vices that you promised to quit? I am scared. Even when you promised to change, I don’t want to go back to someone who cut off people so easily in his life and then change his mind right after.

I want us to start fresh, as friends. Maybe in that way you would be more open just as how you are with your friends. Maybe I would be more updated with your whereabouts, maybe I could get more of your attention. But you still don’t get it–you still can’t get where I’m coming from, why I am asking you that. But I won’t blame you, I won’t blame you for breaking up with me, for thinking that I am being unfair, for being hurt. I honestly want to go back, but I don’t want to be thrown away like trash again, I don’t need another breakup for me to realize my worth. I am scared to trust, but now, I am more scared to love.

P. S. I still love you.

How God Saved Me

Stupid. This is the exact word that I labeled myself after a recent break up from a very brief relationship. Two months. I have been blinded for two months, and even when there are so many signs that things aren’t going to work, I still pushed for it. I let my feelings overwhelm me and I let it make me deaf from the warnings given by my concerned friends. I was firm with the thought that even if I know this wouldn’t end positively, I am ready for the pain.

When my relationship with that guy started, the Lord seems to warn me and say to not go for it. I didn’t use my discernment and instead, did things to make me fall for it more. I cling to the thought that maybe I could change this guy. Maybe he would come to know God through me. Maybe. Everything is uncertain that I uttered two prayers, one is for God to protect me and two, for God to save me from this kind of relationship if it’s not worth it. Because honestly, I didn’t like it from the start. I let myself indulge with sins I never did before, partly because I became so into this guy that I can’t detach myself from him. He became part of my system, of my routine. The thought that this isn’t permanent carried on as I continue my relationship with him. I’ve made ways to turn him off because I didn’t want to break up with him myself and also, I want to put him to test. I never shelled out money during our dates, I act immature towards things, I never even posted a single photo of us on social media (but this is a different story). Despite these, I seldom hear complaints from him so I thought, maybe he is serious. Maybe this could work. I tried negotiating with God, I asked him to change his heart towards my faith, towards Christianity. I showed him how I pray before every meal and asked him to join a retreat in our church–which he wasn’t able to join, but I felt that his excuse isn’t strong enough. I can feel his insincerity when we talked about that. I had hunches that he is not being true at all times, that he was just playing with my heart. I tested by asking some photos on his whereabouts and asking about the access to his Facebook account but we just argued and he felt so cold about it. That’s when I knew and confirmed all my hunches even if I don’t have a single proof. Not to mention the conversation screen captures that were shown to me by a friend where he was with another woman–which he denied with all his might. Woman’s instinct.

I already prepared myself for a breakup when we are constantly having petty arguments every day. I prayed to God to give me a compelling reason to leave or let this man finish our relationship himself because I don’t want to do it. I even asked to make his ex-girlfriend enter the scene, which actually his reason on breaking up with me. I guess the Lord answered it in perfect timing. Yes, it was really painful knowing the truth that I was played with but the deeper pain I felt was because of the fact that I compromised things just to be with this undeserving guy. I skipped church and family time, I lied, I escaped and made excuses. It felt like I cheated on God because of him and that broke my heart even more. But God did save me. He saved me from a worse brokenness and pain and He never let me lose my value completely. I was relieved after the break up, honestly. It wasn’t an easy one–God made me learn my lesson the hard way because I was so stubborn. I am not okay overnight–in fact, I shed so much tears–but I know that the Lord is healing me and picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I am thankful that throughout this whole process, He never left.

I know that the guy would label me as this and that, but I am confident that it wouldn’t define who I am in Christ. My prayer right now is for the bitterness to not grow in my heart and that I would still have that forgiving attitude. I never held grudges to anyone and will never let the negative emotions consume me. I hope that the Lord will continue to bless that man who broke my heart.

Moving forward, let me leave you this verse: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.” –Psalm 34:18