How God Saved Me


Stupid. This is the exact word that I labeled myself after a recent break up from a very brief relationship. Two months. I have been blinded for two months, and even when there are so many signs that things aren’t going to work, I still pushed for it. I let my feelings overwhelm me and I let it make me deaf from the warnings given by my concerned friends. I was firm with the thought that even if I know this wouldn’t end positively, I am ready for the pain.

When my relationship with that guy started, the Lord seems to warn me and say to not go for it. I didn’t use my discernment and instead, did things to make me fall for it more. I cling to the thought that maybe I could change this guy. Maybe he would come to know God through me. Maybe. Everything is uncertain that I uttered two prayers, one is for God to protect me and two, for God to save me from this kind of relationship if it’s not worth it. Because honestly, I didn’t like it from the start. I let myself indulge with sins I never did before, partly because I became so into this guy that I can’t detach myself from him. He became part of my system, of my routine. The thought that this isn’t permanent carried on as I continue my relationship with him. I’ve made ways to turn him off because I didn’t want to break up with him myself and also, I want to put him to test. I never shelled out money during our dates, I act immature towards things, I never even posted a single photo of us on social media (but this is a different story). Despite these, I seldom hear complaints from him so I thought, maybe he is serious. Maybe this could work. I tried negotiating with God, I asked him to change his heart towards my faith, towards Christianity. I showed him how I pray before every meal and asked him to join a retreat in our church–which he wasn’t able to join, but I felt that his excuse isn’t strong enough. I can feel his insincerity when we talked about that. I had hunches that he is not being true at all times, that he was just playing with my heart. I tested by asking some photos on his whereabouts and asking about the access to his Facebook account but we just argued and he felt so cold about it. That’s when I knew and confirmed all my hunches even if I don’t have a single proof. Not to mention the conversation screen captures that were shown to me by a friend where he was with another woman–which he denied with all his might. Woman’s instinct.

I already prepared myself for a breakup when we are constantly having petty arguments every day. I prayed to God to give me a compelling reason to leave or let this man finish our relationship himself because I don’t want to do it. I even asked to make his ex-girlfriend enter the scene, which actually his reason on breaking up with me. I guess the Lord answered it in perfect timing. Yes, it was really painful knowing the truth that I was played with but the deeper pain I felt was because of the fact that I compromised things just to be with this undeserving guy. I skipped church and family time, I lied, I escaped and made excuses. It felt like I cheated on God because of him and that broke my heart even more. But God did save me. He saved me from a worse brokenness and pain and He never let me lose my value completely. I was relieved after the break up, honestly. It wasn’t an easy one–God made me learn my lesson the hard way because I was so stubborn. I am not okay overnight–in fact, I shed so much tears–but I know that the Lord is healing me and picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I am thankful that throughout this whole process, He never left.

I know that the guy would label me as this and that, but I am confident that it wouldn’t define who I am in Christ. My prayer right now is for the bitterness to not grow in my heart and that I would still have that forgiving attitude. I never held grudges to anyone and will never let the negative emotions consume me. I hope that the Lord will continue to bless that man who broke my heart.

Moving forward, let me leave you this verse: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.” –Psalm 34:18

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5 thoughts on “How God Saved Me

  1. Hi Clauie! Remember when we first met during the poetry reading event of CBTL and what was the reason why I wrote the poems that I made (the heartbreak)? I can totally relate to you because I was in the same situation with the same kind of guy. 🙂

    The process might be long, and painful, dear. It will not be okay in an instant. You would find yourself moving on, and then, with just a trigger, go back again, crying, feeling the same emotions as if the break up was just yesterday. Just go through the process. Cry, let your heart out, feel all the emotions. Release everything. Process everything. Because the Lord will be with you all the way.

    One day, you would understand why the Lord allowed you to go through the relationship and the break up. And when that day comes, you will thank the Lord for what He has done and what He has allowed to happen in your life. 😉

    God bless and heal your heart, dear! Hope to see you some time. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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