An Open Letter to the Man I Loved

Love,

I never imagined how we’d ended up this way–with so much bitterness and angst with each other. My mind is clouded with so much hatred, but my heart is still beating your name. I apologize for being so insensitive, for not giving you a chance–for not giving us another chance–and for saying things I don’t mean. At first, I wanna get even, I want to hurt you so bad, but I never knew that hurting you would hurt me all the more. I want you to beg, I want you to say things I longed to hear, but every time you tried to reach out, the pain kills me. That night when you broke up with me flashes back and it feels like I am being stabbed over and over.

You always tell me that I have been unfair for not fighting for this yet how can I fight if the man I want to go back to is still the same? How would I know if you are worth the fight if all I can see is the old you, opening up to other people with the things you don’t say to me, letting other people meddle in our relationship, still can’t stop or even tone down those vices that you promised to quit? I am scared. Even when you promised to change, I don’t want to go back to someone who cut off people so easily in his life and then change his mind right after.

I want us to start fresh, as friends. Maybe in that way you would be more open just as how you are with your friends. Maybe I would be more updated with your whereabouts, maybe I could get more of your attention. But you still don’t get it–you still can’t get where I’m coming from, why I am asking you that. But I won’t blame you, I won’t blame you for breaking up with me, for thinking that I am being unfair, for being hurt. I honestly want to go back, but I don’t want to be thrown away like trash again, I don’t need another breakup for me to realize my worth. I am scared to trust, but now, I am more scared to love.

P. S. I still love you.

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