I was out here broken. And the funny thing is, I can’t even write anything. I have abandoned this home for a few months, the readers visit more often than the writer for I can’t even look at a blank space created from this season. No, let me rephrase that—I can’t even stare at this abstract paper of emotions, of thoughts with mixture of anxieties and fear and anger and loneliness. I am sober and trying to keep things together but I’m losing it. The pain goes on and on and on and I seem to enjoy it each time, knowing that soon enough I’ll be numb.
That was what’s going on in my head while trying to pull thoughts through for this year-ender. I haven’t written much in the past few months—I did, somehow. Some poetry for a certain person and that’s it. Nevertheless, I had the most emotionally draining year thus far. I’ve been out to the wilderness and enjoyed the ups and downs (mostly downs) of being in this kind of season. I had some regrets but at the end of the day, it was my choice and I have no one to blame. I learned how to love and endure, love and be hurt, love and be left with a broken heart. I think throughout this season, I have loved enough that I took risks, I gamble with my fate sacrificing my faith which is not supposed to happen—but it did, unfortunately. And I think that was the biggest mistake of what I’ve gone through. But I believe that I learned a lot and no matter what, I can still go back. That’s how it works, you cannot go too far that God can’t redeem you. I know I don’t deserve this, but that’s grace—His grace.
This year has been a year full of chances, giving out chances and asking for one. For no reason that was the easiest thing for me to do, to forgive and give chances. But the catch is that no matter how forgiving you are, there would still be people who would take you for granted. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s me or because they simply enjoy hurting people because they are also hurting inside. One thing’s for sure—no matter how I’ve been hurt this season, I still have the heart to forgive and give chances. Who am I not to? I’ve been forgiven a hundred times before and even if I fail, He understands and still forgives. I was hurt and hurting, but can you imagine the pain being felt by God whenever people sin and take Jesus’ sacrifices on the cross for granted? I can barely imagine the pain and still, He’s always there, waiting for us to come home—and this is the biggest realization I had—that only He is faithful and only He would love us unconditionally. I knew that before, but I felt it tremendously this year. And I am truly grateful.
I’ll be wrapping up my year with a lighter and stronger heart. Sounds cliché but I do believe that things happen for a reason. For now, I am looking forward to a new season—a season of reconnection, celebration and courage. Cheers to new adventures!