Do not fall in love with her for she has a fickle heart. She might hold your hands tightly when you’re together but, her thought is revolving around how to let them go. She will fit on your arms and would seem like she was made for it. But all she wanted is a resting place, somewhere she could visit and not stay. While it is comforting having her around, she is that kind who will burn out easily and look for another adventure. She will leave you puzzles whenever you spend time with her that would prompt you to the desire to look for every piece and know her more. She will make you feel that you are the missing piece, that you could complete her. She will enthusiastically support your endeavors, especially those which involves your passion.
You would mistake her for a dream girl, funny and cute. She is, but, she will not consider you as her Prince Charming riding a white horse who would come around exactly when she needs you.
Do not fall in love with her because she would just simply leave traces behind that might get you thinking she’s the one. When she doesn’t want to be the one.
I was out here broken. And the funny thing is, I can’t even write anything. I have abandoned this home for a few months, the readers visit more often than the writer for I can’t even look at a blank space created from this season. No, let me rephrase that—I can’t even stare at this abstract paper of emotions, of thoughts with mixture of anxieties and fear and anger and loneliness. I am sober and trying to keep things together but I’m losing it. The pain goes on and on and on and I seem to enjoy it each time, knowing that soon enough I’ll be numb.
That was what’s going on in my head while trying to pull thoughts through for this year-ender. I haven’t written much in the past few months—I did, somehow. Some poetry for a certain person and that’s it. Nevertheless, I had the most emotionally draining year thus far. I’ve been out to the wilderness and enjoyed the ups and downs (mostly downs) of being in this kind of season. I had some regrets but at the end of the day, it was my choice and I have no one to blame. I learned how to love and endure, love and be hurt, love and be left with a broken heart. I think throughout this season, I have loved enough that I took risks, I gamble with my fate sacrificing my faith which is not supposed to happen—but it did, unfortunately. And I think that was the biggest mistake of what I’ve gone through. But I believe that I learned a lot and no matter what, I can still go back. That’s how it works, you cannot go too far that God can’t redeem you. I know I don’t deserve this, but that’s grace—His grace.
This year has been a year full of chances, giving out chances and asking for one. For no reason that was the easiest thing for me to do, to forgive and give chances. But the catch is that no matter how forgiving you are, there would still be people who would take you for granted. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s me or because they simply enjoy hurting people because they are also hurting inside. One thing’s for sure—no matter how I’ve been hurt this season, I still have the heart to forgive and give chances. Who am I not to? I’ve been forgiven a hundred times before and even if I fail, He understands and still forgives. I was hurt and hurting, but can you imagine the pain being felt by God whenever people sin and take Jesus’ sacrifices on the cross for granted? I can barely imagine the pain and still, He’s always there, waiting for us to come home—and this is the biggest realization I had—that only He is faithful and only He would love us unconditionally. I knew that before, but I felt it tremendously this year. And I am truly grateful.
I’ll be wrapping up my year with a lighter and stronger heart. Sounds cliché but I do believe that things happen for a reason. For now, I am looking forward to a new season—a season of reconnection, celebration and courage. Cheers to new adventures!
I never imagined how we’d ended up this way–with so much bitterness and angst with each other. My mind is clouded with so much hatred, but my heart is still beating your name. I apologize for being so insensitive, for not giving you a chance–for not giving us another chance–and for saying things I don’t mean. At first, I wanna get even, I want to hurt you so bad, but I never knew that hurting you would hurt me all the more. I want you to beg, I want you to say things I longed to hear, but every time you tried to reach out, the pain kills me. That night when you broke up with me flashes back and it feels like I am being stabbed over and over.
You always tell me that I have been unfair for not fighting for this yet how can I fight if the man I want to go back to is still the same? How would I know if you are worth the fight if all I can see is the old you, opening up to other people with the things you don’t say to me, letting other people meddle in our relationship, still can’t stop or even tone down those vices that you promised to quit? I am scared. Even when you promised to change, I don’t want to go back to someone who cut off people so easily in his life and then change his mind right after.
I want us to start fresh, as friends. Maybe in that way you would be more open just as how you are with your friends. Maybe I would be more updated with your whereabouts, maybe I could get more of your attention. But you still don’t get it–you still can’t get where I’m coming from, why I am asking you that. But I won’t blame you, I won’t blame you for breaking up with me, for thinking that I am being unfair, for being hurt. I honestly want to go back, but I don’t want to be thrown away like trash again, I don’t need another breakup for me to realize my worth. I am scared to trust, but now, I am more scared to love.
P. S. I still love you.