How God Saved Me


Stupid. This is the exact word that I labeled myself after a recent break up from a very brief relationship. Two months. I have been blinded for two months, and even when there are so many signs that things aren’t going to work, I still pushed for it. I let my feelings overwhelm me and I let it make me deaf from the warnings given by my concerned friends. I was firm with the thought that even if I know this wouldn’t end positively, I am ready for the pain.

When my relationship with that guy started, the Lord seems to warn me and say to not go for it. I didn’t use my discernment and instead, did things to make me fall for it more. I cling to the thought that maybe I could change this guy. Maybe he would come to know God through me. Maybe. Everything is uncertain that I uttered two prayers, one is for God to protect me and two, for God to save me from this kind of relationship if it’s not worth it. Because honestly, I didn’t like it from the start. I let myself indulge with sins I never did before, partly because I became so into this guy that I can’t detach myself from him. He became part of my system, of my routine. The thought that this isn’t permanent carried on as I continue my relationship with him. I’ve made ways to turn him off because I didn’t want to break up with him myself and also, I want to put him to test. I never shelled out money during our dates, I act immature towards things, I never even posted a single photo of us on social media (but this is a different story). Despite these, I seldom hear complaints from him so I thought, maybe he is serious. Maybe this could work. I tried negotiating with God, I asked him to change his heart towards my faith, towards Christianity. I showed him how I pray before every meal and asked him to join a retreat in our church–which he wasn’t able to join, but I felt that his excuse isn’t strong enough. I can feel his insincerity when we talked about that. I had hunches that he is not being true at all times, that he was just playing with my heart. I tested by asking some photos on his whereabouts and asking about the access to his Facebook account but we just argued and he felt so cold about it. That’s when I knew and confirmed all my hunches even if I don’t have a single proof. Not to mention the conversation screen captures that were shown to me by a friend where he was with another woman–which he denied with all his might. Woman’s instinct.

I already prepared myself for a breakup when we are constantly having petty arguments every day. I prayed to God to give me a compelling reason to leave or let this man finish our relationship himself because I don’t want to do it. I even asked to make his ex-girlfriend enter the scene, which actually his reason on breaking up with me. I guess the Lord answered it in perfect timing. Yes, it was really painful knowing the truth that I was played with but the deeper pain I felt was because of the fact that I compromised things just to be with this undeserving guy. I skipped church and family time, I lied, I escaped and made excuses. It felt like I cheated on God because of him and that broke my heart even more. But God did save me. He saved me from a worse brokenness and pain and He never let me lose my value completely. I was relieved after the break up, honestly. It wasn’t an easy one–God made me learn my lesson the hard way because I was so stubborn. I am not okay overnight–in fact, I shed so much tears–but I know that the Lord is healing me and picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I am thankful that throughout this whole process, He never left.

I know that the guy would label me as this and that, but I am confident that it wouldn’t define who I am in Christ. My prayer right now is for the bitterness to not grow in my heart and that I would still have that forgiving attitude. I never held grudges to anyone and will never let the negative emotions consume me. I hope that the Lord will continue to bless that man who broke my heart.

Moving forward, let me leave you this verse: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.” –Psalm 34:18

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Bitter-Sweet: My Tasteful 2015

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If your life has a taste or flavor, what would it be and why?

Welcome to the final day of 2015! Can you believe it? It’s 2016 tomorrow, so I’ll be greeting you with a Happy 2016. Let us all start the year with a bang (but be cautious with firecrackers)! I’ve got to write this one because of the holiday season tag-line of a known Coffee Shop Chain, “Give Flavorfully.” If I would have to describe my life’s flavor this whole 2015, I would say, it’s bitter-sweet. Just the tasteful sweetness with a jive of the right amount of bitterness to balance it’s perfection. Well, it’s not really that “perfect” but just exactly what I need to be who I am and where I am for a fresh start of the year.

The Bitterness.

My life has been through tough times this year. I had conflicts, words unsaid, unwritten stories and poems, failed events, missed targets, blurred visions, and the list goes on. I almost gave up on things and shed more tears on different pains that this thing called life punched me. I managed to tuck them in at night and faced the things called mistakes in the morning with a hopeful heart that everything’s gonna be fine. I avoided confrontations and endured consequences of my shortcomings to those people who doesn’t know the depth of apologies, who never entertained those ‘sorry’ words, who never accepted that I am not perfect; that nobody is perfect. I faced the fact that change is the only permanent thing in this world, even if those people around me cannot live with that change. All year round I was reminded of the help those hands lend me; that I cannot repay them even if I gave back the amount they gave me. Because unmerited favor for them cannot be repaid, as they’ve told me. I was accused of dishonoring people, neglect, and other things I never intended to do. I was stabbed and barely recovered with their sharp words. My 2015 is not what I hoped would be but I stood still and had a bunch of sweets despite the bitter taste.

The Sweetness.

Let’s just say, if I’m gonna weigh the amount of sweetness this year, I think it’s more than what I expected. I bloomed as a blogger, composed poems more than ever, started spoken words and record some on Soundcloud, been nominated in a blog awards, featured some of my entries on brewyourbestyear.com, traveled unexpectedly to places I never been to, almost done with my bucket list for my 21st year, loved more, loved back even more, and so on. I have been blessed with people who influenced me to do what I love to do and to live fully and wonderfully despite some bumps on the road. I met new friends who do the same thing I do (blogging) and supported me on this craft. I moved into a job that is more satisfying and more fulfilling than what I do before. I learned how to turn my tears into something inspirational and motivational. Discovering things through experience is what highlighted my year; I have never been so into things I love to do now or with people I love being with these days if I have not tried being with it and/or with them. I learned to appreciate the gifts of today and tomorrows, to value my family more and to love them more than anything in this world. I learned how to heal my own wounds – wounds which were caused by words like swords, sharp and double-edged, wounds caused by silence and ignorance. They served as ground with fertilizers where I planted flowers and bloomed beautifully and became noticeable to strangers. I cannot say thank you enough for all the blessings I have received this year, for all the learning, the smiles, the breakthroughs. This year seems so short and in haste, but I enjoyed its flavors and colors. It made me who I am at this point and where I would start for a brand new chapter of my life.