Battle Scars and Broken Hearts

I was out here broken. And the funny thing is, I can’t even write anything. I have abandoned this home for a few months, the readers visit more often than the writer for I can’t even look at a blank space created from this season. No, let me rephrase that—I can’t even stare at this abstract paper of emotions, of thoughts with mixture of anxieties and fear and anger and loneliness. I am sober and trying to keep things together but I’m losing it. The pain goes on and on and on and I seem to enjoy it each time, knowing that soon enough I’ll be numb.

That was what’s going on in my head while trying to pull thoughts through for this year-ender. I haven’t written much in the past few months—I did, somehow. Some poetry for a certain person and that’s it. Nevertheless, I had the most emotionally draining year thus far. I’ve been out to the wilderness and enjoyed the ups and downs (mostly downs) of being in this kind of season. I had some regrets but at the end of the day, it was my choice and I have no one to blame. I learned how to love and endure, love and be hurt, love and be left with a broken heart. I think throughout this season, I have loved enough that I took risks, I gamble with my fate sacrificing my faith which is not supposed to happen—but it did, unfortunately. And I think that was the biggest mistake of what I’ve gone through. But I believe that I learned a lot and no matter what, I can still go back. That’s how it works, you cannot go too far that God can’t redeem you. I know I don’t deserve this, but that’s grace—His grace.

This year has been a year full of chances, giving out chances and asking for one. For no reason that was the easiest thing for me to do, to forgive and give chances. But the catch is that no matter how forgiving you are, there would still be people who would take you for granted. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s me or because they simply enjoy hurting people because they are also hurting inside. One thing’s for sure—no matter how I’ve been hurt this season, I still have the heart to forgive and give chances. Who am I not to? I’ve been forgiven a hundred times before and even if I fail, He understands and still forgives. I was hurt and hurting, but can you imagine the pain being felt by God whenever people sin and take Jesus’ sacrifices on the cross for granted? I can barely imagine the pain and still, He’s always there, waiting for us to come home—and this is the biggest realization I had—that only He is faithful and only He would love us unconditionally. I knew that before, but I felt it tremendously this year. And I am truly grateful.

I’ll be wrapping up my year with a lighter and stronger heart. Sounds cliché but I do believe that things happen for a reason. For now, I am looking forward to a new season—a season of reconnection, celebration and courage. Cheers to new adventures!

Advertisements

How God Saved Me


Stupid. This is the exact word that I labeled myself after a recent break up from a very brief relationship. Two months. I have been blinded for two months, and even when there are so many signs that things aren’t going to work, I still pushed for it. I let my feelings overwhelm me and I let it make me deaf from the warnings given by my concerned friends. I was firm with the thought that even if I know this wouldn’t end positively, I am ready for the pain.

When my relationship with that guy started, the Lord seems to warn me and say to not go for it. I didn’t use my discernment and instead, did things to make me fall for it more. I cling to the thought that maybe I could change this guy. Maybe he would come to know God through me. Maybe. Everything is uncertain that I uttered two prayers, one is for God to protect me and two, for God to save me from this kind of relationship if it’s not worth it. Because honestly, I didn’t like it from the start. I let myself indulge with sins I never did before, partly because I became so into this guy that I can’t detach myself from him. He became part of my system, of my routine. The thought that this isn’t permanent carried on as I continue my relationship with him. I’ve made ways to turn him off because I didn’t want to break up with him myself and also, I want to put him to test. I never shelled out money during our dates, I act immature towards things, I never even posted a single photo of us on social media (but this is a different story). Despite these, I seldom hear complaints from him so I thought, maybe he is serious. Maybe this could work. I tried negotiating with God, I asked him to change his heart towards my faith, towards Christianity. I showed him how I pray before every meal and asked him to join a retreat in our church–which he wasn’t able to join, but I felt that his excuse isn’t strong enough. I can feel his insincerity when we talked about that. I had hunches that he is not being true at all times, that he was just playing with my heart. I tested by asking some photos on his whereabouts and asking about the access to his Facebook account but we just argued and he felt so cold about it. That’s when I knew and confirmed all my hunches even if I don’t have a single proof. Not to mention the conversation screen captures that were shown to me by a friend where he was with another woman–which he denied with all his might. Woman’s instinct.

I already prepared myself for a breakup when we are constantly having petty arguments every day. I prayed to God to give me a compelling reason to leave or let this man finish our relationship himself because I don’t want to do it. I even asked to make his ex-girlfriend enter the scene, which actually his reason on breaking up with me. I guess the Lord answered it in perfect timing. Yes, it was really painful knowing the truth that I was played with but the deeper pain I felt was because of the fact that I compromised things just to be with this undeserving guy. I skipped church and family time, I lied, I escaped and made excuses. It felt like I cheated on God because of him and that broke my heart even more. But God did save me. He saved me from a worse brokenness and pain and He never let me lose my value completely. I was relieved after the break up, honestly. It wasn’t an easy one–God made me learn my lesson the hard way because I was so stubborn. I am not okay overnight–in fact, I shed so much tears–but I know that the Lord is healing me and picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I am thankful that throughout this whole process, He never left.

I know that the guy would label me as this and that, but I am confident that it wouldn’t define who I am in Christ. My prayer right now is for the bitterness to not grow in my heart and that I would still have that forgiving attitude. I never held grudges to anyone and will never let the negative emotions consume me. I hope that the Lord will continue to bless that man who broke my heart.

Moving forward, let me leave you this verse: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.” –Psalm 34:18

Bitter-Sweet: My Tasteful 2015

IMG_20151119_220842

If your life has a taste or flavor, what would it be and why?

Welcome to the final day of 2015! Can you believe it? It’s 2016 tomorrow, so I’ll be greeting you with a Happy 2016. Let us all start the year with a bang (but be cautious with firecrackers)! I’ve got to write this one because of the holiday season tag-line of a known Coffee Shop Chain, “Give Flavorfully.” If I would have to describe my life’s flavor this whole 2015, I would say, it’s bitter-sweet. Just the tasteful sweetness with a jive of the right amount of bitterness to balance it’s perfection. Well, it’s not really that “perfect” but just exactly what I need to be who I am and where I am for a fresh start of the year.

The Bitterness.

My life has been through tough times this year. I had conflicts, words unsaid, unwritten stories and poems, failed events, missed targets, blurred visions, and the list goes on. I almost gave up on things and shed more tears on different pains that this thing called life punched me. I managed to tuck them in at night and faced the things called mistakes in the morning with a hopeful heart that everything’s gonna be fine. I avoided confrontations and endured consequences of my shortcomings to those people who doesn’t know the depth of apologies, who never entertained those ‘sorry’ words, who never accepted that I am not perfect; that nobody is perfect. I faced the fact that change is the only permanent thing in this world, even if those people around me cannot live with that change. All year round I was reminded of the help those hands lend me; that I cannot repay them even if I gave back the amount they gave me. Because unmerited favor for them cannot be repaid, as they’ve told me. I was accused of dishonoring people, neglect, and other things I never intended to do. I was stabbed and barely recovered with their sharp words. My 2015 is not what I hoped would be but I stood still and had a bunch of sweets despite the bitter taste.

The Sweetness.

Let’s just say, if I’m gonna weigh the amount of sweetness this year, I think it’s more than what I expected. I bloomed as a blogger, composed poems more than ever, started spoken words and record some on Soundcloud, been nominated in a blog awards, featured some of my entries on brewyourbestyear.com, traveled unexpectedly to places I never been to, almost done with my bucket list for my 21st year, loved more, loved back even more, and so on. I have been blessed with people who influenced me to do what I love to do and to live fully and wonderfully despite some bumps on the road. I met new friends who do the same thing I do (blogging) and supported me on this craft. I moved into a job that is more satisfying and more fulfilling than what I do before. I learned how to turn my tears into something inspirational and motivational. Discovering things through experience is what highlighted my year; I have never been so into things I love to do now or with people I love being with these days if I have not tried being with it and/or with them. I learned to appreciate the gifts of today and tomorrows, to value my family more and to love them more than anything in this world. I learned how to heal my own wounds – wounds which were caused by words like swords, sharp and double-edged, wounds caused by silence and ignorance. They served as ground with fertilizers where I planted flowers and bloomed beautifully and became noticeable to strangers. I cannot say thank you enough for all the blessings I have received this year, for all the learning, the smiles, the breakthroughs. This year seems so short and in haste, but I enjoyed its flavors and colors. It made me who I am at this point and where I would start for a brand new chapter of my life.