I never imagined how we’d ended up this way–with so much bitterness and angst with each other. My mind is clouded with so much hatred, but my heart is still beating your name. I apologize for being so insensitive, for not giving you a chance–for not giving us another chance–and for saying things I don’t mean. At first, I wanna get even, I want to hurt you so bad, but I never knew that hurting you would hurt me all the more. I want you to beg, I want you to say things I longed to hear, but every time you tried to reach out, the pain kills me. That night when you broke up with me flashes back and it feels like I am being stabbed over and over.
You always tell me that I have been unfair for not fighting for this yet how can I fight if the man I want to go back to is still the same? How would I know if you are worth the fight if all I can see is the old you, opening up to other people with the things you don’t say to me, letting other people meddle in our relationship, still can’t stop or even tone down those vices that you promised to quit? I am scared. Even when you promised to change, I don’t want to go back to someone who cut off people so easily in his life and then change his mind right after.
I want us to start fresh, as friends. Maybe in that way you would be more open just as how you are with your friends. Maybe I would be more updated with your whereabouts, maybe I could get more of your attention. But you still don’t get it–you still can’t get where I’m coming from, why I am asking you that. But I won’t blame you, I won’t blame you for breaking up with me, for thinking that I am being unfair, for being hurt. I honestly want to go back, but I don’t want to be thrown away like trash again, I don’t need another breakup for me to realize my worth. I am scared to trust, but now, I am more scared to love.
P. S. I still love you.
🎶 Maybe I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance.
My mistake I didn’t know to be in love 🎶
Enter this Taylor Swift song in the background. Funny how I easily fell for your words and enjoyed the time we spent talking to each other — joking around like real couples, ignoring the fact that there’s no us. I hated myself for not having second thoughts or safety precautions. But to be honest with you, I really thought opposites do attract. But we’re not magnets. I may be your sunshine, but you came in like thunder — and I don’t know why I danced with you in the storm. And you’re just so into our conversations that it absent-mindedly made me want you.
I got to know your other side — including the murky past — but now I’m not sure if they weren’t lies. Made up stories because I am that kind of girl who would always sympathize, who’s completely innocent with your worldly ways and masked appearance, a kind of girl who’ll be so accepting and accommodating. That even when I get hurt, I will just move on and write a good poem out of it.
Thank you for the show, thank you for revealing who you really are. But don’t get me wrong. I am not going to judge nor hate you. I will still pray that someday, you will receive the love you deserve. And so will I.
Dear 25-year-old Clauie,
We’ll, I never thought of writing you a letter, really. Someone just encouraged me to write one to see what a younger me has to say to the older me. Hihi sounds weird? Hmm, interesting maybe. And I’d be excited on what’s gonna be your reaction if you read this back, four years from now.
So, what does a 21-year-old Clauie has to say to you? Well, you’re even prettier and you gained weight! Congratulations on the successful weight management. I’m so glad you are not underweight based on your BMI anymore. Haha! And now you are entering a new chapter on your life. You’ve learned a lot for the past years and never thought that you’d become the person I am writing right now. You really did well on your business! See the people inspired with your success now? Your family must be very happy [our family I mean, because I’m you] and proud of you. I was really surprised.
And oh, by the way, when will you be moving to your new house? I heard that some of your friends helped you out with the design. It must be really grand. I’m glad that your sibs are also doing well with school and the career paths they chose. And I know that your parents are also doing great and enjoying their older years. Aren’t you planning a grand celebration for all their achievements?
Anyway, I really just wanted to congratulate you with everything. That was fast and you’ve really set the record! I’m so looking forward to read all of your blog entries for all the things you’ve got, places you’ve been, and a lot of inspiring stories within that short period of time. You made it!
Continue inspiring your team and other people around you. God bless you on the next steps in your life. You managed it full well. Any plans on entering in a relationship though? I bet it’s time. 😉
Keep the faith,
21 year-old Clauie