How God Saved Me


Stupid. This is the exact word that I labeled myself after a recent break up from a very brief relationship. Two months. I have been blinded for two months, and even when there are so many signs that things aren’t going to work, I still pushed for it. I let my feelings overwhelm me and I let it make me deaf from the warnings given by my concerned friends. I was firm with the thought that even if I know this wouldn’t end positively, I am ready for the pain.

When my relationship with that guy started, the Lord seems to warn me and say to not go for it. I didn’t use my discernment and instead, did things to make me fall for it more. I cling to the thought that maybe I could change this guy. Maybe he would come to know God through me. Maybe. Everything is uncertain that I uttered two prayers, one is for God to protect me and two, for God to save me from this kind of relationship if it’s not worth it. Because honestly, I didn’t like it from the start. I let myself indulge with sins I never did before, partly because I became so into this guy that I can’t detach myself from him. He became part of my system, of my routine. The thought that this isn’t permanent carried on as I continue my relationship with him. I’ve made ways to turn him off because I didn’t want to break up with him myself and also, I want to put him to test. I never shelled out money during our dates, I act immature towards things, I never even posted a single photo of us on social media (but this is a different story). Despite these, I seldom hear complaints from him so I thought, maybe he is serious. Maybe this could work. I tried negotiating with God, I asked him to change his heart towards my faith, towards Christianity. I showed him how I pray before every meal and asked him to join a retreat in our church–which he wasn’t able to join, but I felt that his excuse isn’t strong enough. I can feel his insincerity when we talked about that. I had hunches that he is not being true at all times, that he was just playing with my heart. I tested by asking some photos on his whereabouts and asking about the access to his Facebook account but we just argued and he felt so cold about it. That’s when I knew and confirmed all my hunches even if I don’t have a single proof. Not to mention the conversation screen captures that were shown to me by a friend where he was with another woman–which he denied with all his might. Woman’s instinct.

I already prepared myself for a breakup when we are constantly having petty arguments every day. I prayed to God to give me a compelling reason to leave or let this man finish our relationship himself because I don’t want to do it. I even asked to make his ex-girlfriend enter the scene, which actually his reason on breaking up with me. I guess the Lord answered it in perfect timing. Yes, it was really painful knowing the truth that I was played with but the deeper pain I felt was because of the fact that I compromised things just to be with this undeserving guy. I skipped church and family time, I lied, I escaped and made excuses. It felt like I cheated on God because of him and that broke my heart even more. But God did save me. He saved me from a worse brokenness and pain and He never let me lose my value completely. I was relieved after the break up, honestly. It wasn’t an easy one–God made me learn my lesson the hard way because I was so stubborn. I am not okay overnight–in fact, I shed so much tears–but I know that the Lord is healing me and picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I am thankful that throughout this whole process, He never left.

I know that the guy would label me as this and that, but I am confident that it wouldn’t define who I am in Christ. My prayer right now is for the bitterness to not grow in my heart and that I would still have that forgiving attitude. I never held grudges to anyone and will never let the negative emotions consume me. I hope that the Lord will continue to bless that man who broke my heart.

Moving forward, let me leave you this verse: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.” –Psalm 34:18

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Just Another Random Post

Hey there, scribblers and avid readers! I surely miss this space, I’ve been in hiatus for like almost two months. Why? I’m not sure either. I honestly didn’t write anything within that period. I may have posted a new poem on my other blog, but that was written long before I got into this “writer’s block” stage.

So, what’s new? I recently attended a Philippine Literature writing workshop and it was a blast! I can’t go into detail, but I really learned a lot. Somehow it has been an eye opener because guiltily, I never used a Philippine setting for my poems and seldom uses the Filipino language. Which in contrary, I am in the Philippines, I am a natural born Filipino, so what was I trying to prove by writing with a very small trace of my home country? These were just my thoughts lately. I’m not sure how to start yet but I guess I’m going to need to study more of our own literature because seeing the works of my fellow Filipinos, it makes me love and be prouder of my own country’s treasures all the more.

Anyway, I wish I could write more and not just post a very random thought like this. See you around, lovely creatures! 😉

LETTING GO: When It Seems So Right But God Thinks Otherwise

KrizSummer

I am the type of person who has always been so used to having things work out the way I want them to – major life decisions, including minor ones – everything that feels right always goes as planned.

I always thought that if God permits something to happen, it is what he wills for me.

Little did I know that later on I will learn that sometimes God permits things to happen, not because He wants these things for us but because He wants us to find out for ourselves that what we think is His will is not what He has actually planned for us.

“Everything is permissible” – but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible” – but not everything is constructive. 1 Corinthians 10:23

I had many plans for my life – serve God while I’m single, study well, get a good career, get married at…

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