How God Saved Me

Stupid. This is the exact word that I labeled myself after a recent break up from a very brief relationship. Two months. I have been blinded for two months, and even when there are so many signs that things aren’t going to work, I still pushed for it. I let my feelings overwhelm me and I let it make me deaf from the warnings given by my concerned friends. I was firm with the thought that even if I know this wouldn’t end positively, I am ready for the pain.

When my relationship with that guy started, the Lord seems to warn me and say to not go for it. I didn’t use my discernment and instead, did things to make me fall for it more. I cling to the thought that maybe I could change this guy. Maybe he would come to know God through me. Maybe. Everything is uncertain that I uttered two prayers, one is for God to protect me and two, for God to save me from this kind of relationship if it’s not worth it. Because honestly, I didn’t like it from the start. I let myself indulge with sins I never did before, partly because I became so into this guy that I can’t detach myself from him. He became part of my system, of my routine. The thought that this isn’t permanent carried on as I continue my relationship with him. I’ve made ways to turn him off because I didn’t want to break up with him myself and also, I want to put him to test. I never shelled out money during our dates, I act immature towards things, I never even posted a single photo of us on social media (but this is a different story). Despite these, I seldom hear complaints from him so I thought, maybe he is serious. Maybe this could work. I tried negotiating with God, I asked him to change his heart towards my faith, towards Christianity. I showed him how I pray before every meal and asked him to join a retreat in our church–which he wasn’t able to join, but I felt that his excuse isn’t strong enough. I can feel his insincerity when we talked about that. I had hunches that he is not being true at all times, that he was just playing with my heart. I tested by asking some photos on his whereabouts and asking about the access to his Facebook account but we just argued and he felt so cold about it. That’s when I knew and confirmed all my hunches even if I don’t have a single proof. Not to mention the conversation screen captures that were shown to me by a friend where he was with another woman–which he denied with all his might. Woman’s instinct.

I already prepared myself for a breakup when we are constantly having petty arguments every day. I prayed to God to give me a compelling reason to leave or let this man finish our relationship himself because I don’t want to do it. I even asked to make his ex-girlfriend enter the scene, which actually his reason on breaking up with me. I guess the Lord answered it in perfect timing. Yes, it was really painful knowing the truth that I was played with but the deeper pain I felt was because of the fact that I compromised things just to be with this undeserving guy. I skipped church and family time, I lied, I escaped and made excuses. It felt like I cheated on God because of him and that broke my heart even more. But God did save me. He saved me from a worse brokenness and pain and He never let me lose my value completely. I was relieved after the break up, honestly. It wasn’t an easy one–God made me learn my lesson the hard way because I was so stubborn. I am not okay overnight–in fact, I shed so much tears–but I know that the Lord is healing me and picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I am thankful that throughout this whole process, He never left.

I know that the guy would label me as this and that, but I am confident that it wouldn’t define who I am in Christ. My prayer right now is for the bitterness to not grow in my heart and that I would still have that forgiving attitude. I never held grudges to anyone and will never let the negative emotions consume me. I hope that the Lord will continue to bless that man who broke my heart.

Moving forward, let me leave you this verse: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.” –Psalm 34:18


Steady Heart

11:56 PM, February 12th when I started drafting this post. I was chatting with a friend through Messenger and literally waiting for 12 midnight for me to be able to post my poetry collection, but I realized that I scheduled it at 1:43 AM so I am waiting a little bit more. There, few friends are starting to greet me already, I feel so loved today and I’m wide awake because of their kind words — I suddenly thought of just being in this moment, that everyday would be my birthday. But the reality is, we could always make every day as lovely and special just by having a cheerful (Proverbs 17:22) and grateful (Colossians 3:15) heart.

Image result for instagram flatlays with books and flowers

Someone sent me a classical tune, a prelude from J.S Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1 and even if it’s not really the first time to listen to classical music, this one is somehow special because the one who sent it is also the one who played and recorded it for me. It’s the thought and effort that I really appreciated. Indeed, it is my birthday! 🙂

Holding on to that thought, there is a deep desire for me to grow in my journey with Christ this season. I have been saved for almost 5 years now and I want to do more for Him — I’m not sure what exactly but I know, He will show me. I want to have a steady heart  — always trusting, always grateful, always loving, always desiring for that One thing — that will always lean on to Jesus.

He has blessed me with a loving family and friends and I couldn’t ask for more. I may have many prayers in my heart right now, I have that confidence that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4) in His perfect time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

I want to share with you a poem I wrote while writing this post:

When I knew You,
You replaced my heart anew–
kept it steady,
kept it strong
yet with fragility.

You made it pure–
always loving,
always caring,
I wouldn’t ask for more.

When the Lord Says Otherwise

Have you ever been to a moment where you are so desperate with your prayers because you badly want to leave a situation you are not comfortable with? I have. Just recently, I moved to a new job and it’s totally different from where I used to–it’s more strict now, there’s a longer training period, foreign clients, night shift, and the list goes on–and I can’t even imagine myself doing this for a long time. I can’t sleep during daytime, I can’t attend some church activities, I can’t go home during the weekends, no night life, lesser time with friends and family–I mean, I can go on with the list of things that I wasn’t able to do now because of this job. So, I prayed really hard for signs, for the things that I must do–I even asked God to do something so that I could gracefully exit the company. And guess what? I came across an article saying, “Do not let the hum drum of everyday life dull your sparkle. Find magic in the things that you do and always work with all your heart. It’s true that you might be in job that you do not like but pays for all your bills; but you can change this situation and eventually pursue what you really want to do. For the meantime, make the best of every situation and then pounce when you finally get the chance to do something that makes your heart and soul sing.” And that was after my prayer time. But to my stubbornness, I wasn’t satisfied with that. I thought maybe it’s just a coincidence or I must have prayed more, in short, I want a more concrete answer. And so my prayer have gone like this, “Lord, please take me out of this situation. I don’t wanna work with this company anymore, I am not really enjoying what I’m doing. Please, make me the lowest in the stack rank so that they would doubt my skills and would be easier for me to file a resignation.” And then came the stack ranking announcement and guess what, I ranked third out of eleven who were assessed. Okay, I gave up. I won’t argue with the Lord anymore.

Some of the realizations I had:

  1. If God put you in an uncomfortable situation, you must endure. He is just doing that so that you will grow and think out of the box.
  2. God knows what you can do even if you think you can’t because He knows you so well.
  3. God is gracious. He will always pave the way so that you would somehow realize that He doesn’t put you there for nothing. (Ephesians 6:24)
  4. You will never, ever win against God’s will.
  5. Even if you execute your own plans, God will surely take over and do His plans according to His purpose. (Proverbs 19:21)

I know that His will is higher than mine, so if the Lord says otherwise, who am I to contradict? Perhaps, He has planned our future already (Jeremiah 29:11). 😉