An Open Letter to the Man I Loved

Love,

I never imagined how we’d ended up this way–with so much bitterness and angst with each other. My mind is clouded with so much hatred, but my heart is still beating your name. I apologize for being so insensitive, for not giving you a chance–for not giving us another chance–and for saying things I don’t mean. At first, I wanna get even, I want to hurt you so bad, but I never knew that hurting you would hurt me all the more. I want you to beg, I want you to say things I longed to hear, but every time you tried to reach out, the pain kills me. That night when you broke up with me flashes back and it feels like I am being stabbed over and over.

You always tell me that I have been unfair for not fighting for this yet how can I fight if the man I want to go back to is still the same? How would I know if you are worth the fight if all I can see is the old you, opening up to other people with the things you don’t say to me, letting other people meddle in our relationship, still can’t stop or even tone down those vices that you promised to quit? I am scared. Even when you promised to change, I don’t want to go back to someone who cut off people so easily in his life and then change his mind right after.

I want us to start fresh, as friends. Maybe in that way you would be more open just as how you are with your friends. Maybe I would be more updated with your whereabouts, maybe I could get more of your attention. But you still don’t get it–you still can’t get where I’m coming from, why I am asking you that. But I won’t blame you, I won’t blame you for breaking up with me, for thinking that I am being unfair, for being hurt. I honestly want to go back, but I don’t want to be thrown away like trash again, I don’t need another breakup for me to realize my worth. I am scared to trust, but now, I am more scared to love.

P. S. I still love you.

How God Saved Me


Stupid. This is the exact word that I labeled myself after a recent break up from a very brief relationship. Two months. I have been blinded for two months, and even when there are so many signs that things aren’t going to work, I still pushed for it. I let my feelings overwhelm me and I let it make me deaf from the warnings given by my concerned friends. I was firm with the thought that even if I know this wouldn’t end positively, I am ready for the pain.

When my relationship with that guy started, the Lord seems to warn me and say to not go for it. I didn’t use my discernment and instead, did things to make me fall for it more. I cling to the thought that maybe I could change this guy. Maybe he would come to know God through me. Maybe. Everything is uncertain that I uttered two prayers, one is for God to protect me and two, for God to save me from this kind of relationship if it’s not worth it. Because honestly, I didn’t like it from the start. I let myself indulge with sins I never did before, partly because I became so into this guy that I can’t detach myself from him. He became part of my system, of my routine. The thought that this isn’t permanent carried on as I continue my relationship with him. I’ve made ways to turn him off because I didn’t want to break up with him myself and also, I want to put him to test. I never shelled out money during our dates, I act immature towards things, I never even posted a single photo of us on social media (but this is a different story). Despite these, I seldom hear complaints from him so I thought, maybe he is serious. Maybe this could work. I tried negotiating with God, I asked him to change his heart towards my faith, towards Christianity. I showed him how I pray before every meal and asked him to join a retreat in our church–which he wasn’t able to join, but I felt that his excuse isn’t strong enough. I can feel his insincerity when we talked about that. I had hunches that he is not being true at all times, that he was just playing with my heart. I tested by asking some photos on his whereabouts and asking about the access to his Facebook account but we just argued and he felt so cold about it. That’s when I knew and confirmed all my hunches even if I don’t have a single proof. Not to mention the conversation screen captures that were shown to me by a friend where he was with another woman–which he denied with all his might. Woman’s instinct.

I already prepared myself for a breakup when we are constantly having petty arguments every day. I prayed to God to give me a compelling reason to leave or let this man finish our relationship himself because I don’t want to do it. I even asked to make his ex-girlfriend enter the scene, which actually his reason on breaking up with me. I guess the Lord answered it in perfect timing. Yes, it was really painful knowing the truth that I was played with but the deeper pain I felt was because of the fact that I compromised things just to be with this undeserving guy. I skipped church and family time, I lied, I escaped and made excuses. It felt like I cheated on God because of him and that broke my heart even more. But God did save me. He saved me from a worse brokenness and pain and He never let me lose my value completely. I was relieved after the break up, honestly. It wasn’t an easy one–God made me learn my lesson the hard way because I was so stubborn. I am not okay overnight–in fact, I shed so much tears–but I know that the Lord is healing me and picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I am thankful that throughout this whole process, He never left.

I know that the guy would label me as this and that, but I am confident that it wouldn’t define who I am in Christ. My prayer right now is for the bitterness to not grow in my heart and that I would still have that forgiving attitude. I never held grudges to anyone and will never let the negative emotions consume me. I hope that the Lord will continue to bless that man who broke my heart.

Moving forward, let me leave you this verse: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.” –Psalm 34:18

Steady Heart

11:56 PM, February 12th when I started drafting this post. I was chatting with a friend through Messenger and literally waiting for 12 midnight for me to be able to post my poetry collection, but I realized that I scheduled it at 1:43 AM so I am waiting a little bit more. There, few friends are starting to greet me already, I feel so loved today and I’m wide awake because of their kind words — I suddenly thought of just being in this moment, that everyday would be my birthday. But the reality is, we could always make every day as lovely and special just by having a cheerful (Proverbs 17:22) and grateful (Colossians 3:15) heart.

Image result for instagram flatlays with books and flowers

Someone sent me a classical tune, a prelude from J.S Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1 and even if it’s not really the first time to listen to classical music, this one is somehow special because the one who sent it is also the one who played and recorded it for me. It’s the thought and effort that I really appreciated. Indeed, it is my birthday! 🙂

Holding on to that thought, there is a deep desire for me to grow in my journey with Christ this season. I have been saved for almost 5 years now and I want to do more for Him — I’m not sure what exactly but I know, He will show me. I want to have a steady heart  — always trusting, always grateful, always loving, always desiring for that One thing — that will always lean on to Jesus.

He has blessed me with a loving family and friends and I couldn’t ask for more. I may have many prayers in my heart right now, I have that confidence that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4) in His perfect time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

I want to share with you a poem I wrote while writing this post:

When I knew You,
You replaced my heart anew–
kept it steady,
kept it strong
yet with fragility.

You made it pure–
always loving,
always caring,
I wouldn’t ask for more.